Last week a man told me he hasn't initiated sex with his wife in eighteen months. Not because he doesn't want to. But because he doesn't want to be rejected again. He said it very casually. Almost like he was reporting the weather.
"She told me she's just not interested anymore."
What he didn't say, but what was obvious, is that he's not just still very interested in sex, he's hurt that she's not.
Most men don't lose desire. They lose nerve.
They try and get turned down. They tell themselves they'll wait. They tell themselves they'll be patient. They tell themselves they won't pressure her, they'll wait for her to come around. Eventually, they stop initiating altogether. Then something subtle happens.
The energy changes and not just sexually.
In the way he speaks. In the way he moves. In the way he occupies space in his own home. He becomes careful. Careful men don't create sexual tension. They create comfort. Comfort is kind and feels warm and cozy, but it's deadly in the bedroom.
Some men respond to this by trying harder. Some respond by shutting down. Some respond by going somewhere they feel wanted without feeling like a nuisance.
All three are attempts to avoid one thing:
The discomfort of wanting and then being refused.
Desire requires that you risk being refused. And most men would rather feel unwanted privately than risk feeling unwanted out loud.
If you're in a low-sex marriage, I'm not telling you to demand anything. I am suggesting you notice where you've withdrawn. Where you've pre-rejected yourself. Where you've decided the answer before she ever gives one.
This week, don't try to fix your marriage. Just notice when you "edit" your desire. When you start to reach for her and then stop yourself. When you act indifferent instead of honest. You don't need to force anything. Just stop pretending you don't want.
Don't disappear.
Mary
Notes from the Other Side
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