Hey, Mary,
I’ve been happily married since 2015, and I quit using drugs about five years ago. Before I got sober, I was so checked out my sex drive was nonexistent. But then, about a year after I got sober, it came back hard—like flipping a switch. It felt like I hadn’t had real sex in a decade. (In reality, it had been closer to five or six years.)
My wife and I are pretty sexually active, but I can tell she’s not always into it the way I am. It’s like she’s just going through the motions, and while she’s not doing anything wrong, I don’t feel that raw, hungry energy from her. She seems unsure of herself sexually—like she wants to be more into it but doesn’t quite know how.
The thing is, I really like sex. A lot. And I can’t shake the feeling that I’m looking for something beyond what I have at home. I used to have a female friend I’d known since we were teenagers. We’d see each other a few times a year when she was in town, and while actual sex never happened, there was always this low-key tension between us that I loved. But she got into a serious relationship, so that door closed.
Then, about a year ago, I started seeing escorts. I’ve had both great and terrible experiences, but I think I’ve finally found someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. It’s not just about the sex—there’s a level of connection that makes me want to keep going back. And now, I’m stuck wondering: Why the hell am I so drawn to this when I have a willing wife at home?
It confuses me, and of course, I overthink everything. The truth is, I just love women. I love how they look, how they feel, how they move. I’m a highly sexual person, and I crave that energy from someone who matches my intensity. (Once I get going, I can be pretty damn uninhibited.)
I’ve tried to bring this up with my wife, but her response is always the same: “I don’t share.” End of discussion.
So here I am, looking for some insight. I know this isn’t just about sex—it’s something deeper. But I don’t know how to figure out what that is.
Appreciate any thoughts you have.
“Confused”
Dear Confused,
If you’re in a marriage where sex feels like a struggle, where you find yourself drawn to other women—whether it’s old friends, affairs, or even escorts—you need to take a step back and ask yourself: What am I actually searching for?
Because this isn’t just about having a high sex drive. If it were, your wife’s availability would be enough. But it’s not. Here are my thoughts:
1. Your Sex Drive Isn’t Just Physical—It’s Emotional
You might think your desire for more sex is just biological, but if that were the case, the fact that your wife is “willing” would be enough. Instead, you’re drawn to something else—something beyond just physical intimacy.
What you’re really craving is a feeling:
✔️ Freedom
✔️ Excitement
✔️ Passion
✔️ The thrill of being wanted
Sex isn’t just an act for you—it’s an emotional experience. And when it’s missing that intensity, you start looking elsewhere. That’s why sex with an escort, a new partner, or even just the idea of someone different feels so compelling. It’s not just sex—it’s how it makes you feel.
2. You Quit Drugs—But You Didn’t Heal the Root Cause
You mentioned that once you got sober, your sex drive skyrocketed. That’s a huge clue. Because often, when we let go of one coping mechanism, we replace it with another. If drugs were your escape before, sex might have taken its place. The restless energy, the need for release, the search for something to take the edge off—that’s all still there, just in a different form.
This isn’t about sex—it’s about what you were trying to numb or escape from in the first place. Until you address that, you’ll keep searching for the next high, the next thrill, the next way to fill the gap.
3. Your Wife Feels the Difference—And It’s Pushing Her Away
Your wife is “willing” but not really into it. That’s a big deal. Because a woman can have sex with you regularly and still feel emotionally disconnected.
Here’s what might be happening:
- She senses that you’re chasing something, not truly present with her.
- She feels like sex is more about you needing an outlet than about the two of you connecting.
- She doesn’t feel deeply desired—she feels like a means to an end.
That’s not exactly a turn-on. Women don’t just want to be available for sex—they want to feel like the sex means something. They want to feel chosen, not just convenient.
4. Why Sex With Other Women Feels So Different
You might wonder why sex with an escort or someone outside your marriage feels so much more exciting, intense, or fulfilling. It’s not because they’re inherently better in bed—it’s because of the dynamic.
✔️ With an escort, you feel in control. There’s no pressure, no judgment—just pure desire.
✔️ With an old friend or someone new, there’s mystery, excitement, and emotional freedom.
✔️ With your wife, there’s history, responsibility, and vulnerability.
It’s easier to feel uninhibited with someone who doesn’t see your everyday struggles, who isn’t part of your real life. That’s why it feels different. But that difference isn’t about the other women—it’s about how you feel in those situations.
So What Now? How Do You Fix This?
If you want to stop feeling restless, if you want real satisfaction instead of just chasing the next hit of excitement, here’s where to start:
1. Get Honest About What You’re Really Looking For
This isn’t just about sex—it’s about what sex represents to you. Is it escape? Power? Validation? What emotional need are you trying to fill?
2. Stop Searching for the “Perfect” Partner Who Matches Your Drive
The issue isn’t that your wife isn’t into sex—it’s that the sex between you two has lost its emotional charge. No new woman will “fix” this, because the thrill will eventually fade, and you’ll be right back where you started.
3. Show Up Differently If You Want Your Wife to Desire You Again
Women don’t get turned on by men who need them for an emotional outlet. They respond to men who are present, confident, and emotionally connected. Right now, you’re offering her sex, but are you offering her the part of you that she actually wants?
Final Thought
Your wife told you “I don’t share.” That’s her boundary. And instead of asking yourself why you feel the need to look elsewhere, you kept going elsewhere.
If you keep avoiding the deeper issue, this marriage will struggle—not because your wife doesn’t want sex, but because she doesn’t feel like what she gives you is enough for you. The truth is, the fulfillment you’re looking for won’t come from more sex—it comes from understanding why what you have isn’t satisfying you in the first place.
And that? That’s the real work.
Mary
