Hi Mary,   Thanks for taking the time to read my email. Before my ex and I became exclusive (but after we had sex), she slept with her ex-boyfriend—the same one she spent months venting to me about for his cheating and abuse. I felt blindsided when I found out, and it made me question everything. Should I have ended things right then? I struggled with trust from that moment on and never fully recovered.   I truly believed she was my soulmate, but our relationship was filled with constant fighting, accusations, and her calling me misogynistic anytime I disagreed with her. She was extremely sensitive about being a single mom, and I did my best to be understanding.  And at 24, what should I know about dating a woman with kids? I was unprepared for what that dynamic would be like.   Lastly, how do I tell the difference between a toxic woman and one who is simply “testing” my masculinity? I think I stayed longer than I should have because I couldn’t tell which it was. Also, being in a long-distance relationship felt like it kept me out of my masculine frame since I wasn’t getting my needs met. Was this relationship doomed from the start? Would love to hear your thoughts.   I appreciate your work!   LoveLorn   Dear Lovelorn, I get it—you cared about her deeply. Maybe you even saw her as your soulmate. But if every conversation turns into a therapy session where you’re absorbing her emotional baggage, especially about her ex, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in an emotional black hole. Let’s break it down. 1. The Ex-Factor: When the Past is the Third Person in Your Relationship If a woman is still deeply tangled in the drama of an old relationship, she’s not available—not emotionally, not mentally, and definitely not romantically. Sure, venting about an ex once in a while is normal. But when it’s constant? When every conversation circles back to what he did, how he hurt her, why men suck? That’s not bonding—that’s trauma dumping.  You deserve a partner who’s focused on building something new with you, not one who’s dragging you into their unresolved baggage. If her past is always present, your future with her is going nowhere. 1. The Ex-Factor: When the Past is the Third Person in Your Relationship If a woman is still deeply tangled in the drama of an old relationship, she’s not available—not emotionally, not mentally, and definitely not romantically. Sure, venting about an ex once in a while is normal. But when it’s constant? When every conversation circles back to what he did, how he hurt her, why men suck? That’s not bonding—that’s trauma dumping.  You deserve a partner who’s focused on building something new with you, not one who’s dragging you into their unresolved baggage. If her past is always present, your future with her is going nowhere. 2. The Relationship Rollercoaster: When Every Conversation Feels Like a Battle A relationship should be a safe space—not a constant stress test of your masculinity.   🚩 If you can’t speak your mind without being accused of “toxic masculinity”… 🚩 If every innocent comment turns into a debate over feminism and gender roles… 🚩 If you feel like you have to tiptoe around her emotions just to keep the peace…   Then you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a battlefield. I don’t care how stunning she is, how passionate the sex is, or how much history you share. If you feel drained every time you’re with her, that’s your gut telling you something: this is not love, this is emotional exhaustion. 3. The Power of Walking Away: When Enough is Enough Here’s a skill that will change your life: knowing when to leave. Strong men don’t stay in relationships that destroy their peace. They recognize when something isn’t working and walk away with their self-respect intact. Ask yourself: ✔️ Do I feel like my best self around her? ✔️ Does she add to my life or just bring drama? ✔️ Do I feel loved and appreciated—or just tolerated? If you’re always questioning your worth, always second-guessing yourself, that’s not love—that’s emotional manipulation. Healthy relationships make you feel stronger, not weaker. 4. The Dating-A-Single-Mom Question: Is It the Kids or the Drama? Dating a woman with kids? Not a dealbreaker. Dating a woman whose life is a nonstop soap opera? Big problem.   Some single moms are incredible partners. They’re mature, they’ve been through things, they know how to love deeply and wisely. But if her life is a mess of baby-daddy drama, emotional instability, and constant tests of your patience—then don’t blame the kids. Blame the dynamic. If the relationship is nothing but chaos, the problem isn’t that she’s a mom—it’s that she’s not in a place to be a healthy partner. And that’s not your responsibility to fix.   Final Thought: Choose Peace Over Drama   A great relationship doesn’t drain you—it fuels you. It makes you feel wanted, valued, and at ease. If you’re constantly on edge, exhausted, or feeling like you’re being tested—you’re in the wrong relationship.   You don’t need to be someone’s therapist. You don’t need to prove your worth. You need to be with someone who is emotionally available, mature, and actually ready to meet you where you are.    So, ask yourself: Are you her partner, or just her emotional safety net? If it’s the latter, it’s time to walk.  Your peace of mind will thank you.   Mary

Hey, Mary,   I’ve been happily married since 2015, and I quit using drugs about five years ago. Before I got sober, I was so checked out my sex drive was nonexistent. But then, about a year after I got sober, it came back hard—like flipping a switch. It felt like I hadn’t had real sex in a decade. (In reality, it had been closer to five or six years.)   My wife and I are pretty sexually active, but I can tell she’s not always into it the way I am. It’s like she’s just going through the motions, and while she’s not doing anything wrong, I don’t feel that raw, hungry energy from her. She seems unsure of herself sexually—like she wants to be more into it but doesn’t quite know how.   The thing is, I really like sex. A lot. And I can’t shake the feeling that I’m looking for something beyond what I have at home. I used to have a female friend I’d known since we were teenagers. We’d see each other a few times a year when she was in town, and while actual sex never happened, there was always this low-key tension between us that I loved. But she got into a serious relationship, so that door closed.   Then, about a year ago, I started seeing escorts. I’ve had both great and terrible experiences, but I think I’ve finally found someone I genuinely enjoy spending time with. It’s not just about the sex—there’s a level of connection that makes me want to keep going back. And now, I’m stuck wondering: Why the hell am I so drawn to this when I have a willing wife at home?   It confuses me, and of course, I overthink everything. The truth is, I just love women. I love how they look, how they feel, how they move. I’m a highly sexual person, and I crave that energy from someone who matches my intensity. (Once I get going, I can be pretty damn uninhibited.) I’ve tried to bring this up with my wife, but her response is always the same: “I don’t share.” End of discussion.   So here I am, looking for some insight. I know this isn’t just about sex—it’s something deeper. But I don’t know how to figure out what that is.   Appreciate any thoughts you have.   “Confused”   Dear Confused,   If you’re in a marriage where sex feels like a struggle, where you find yourself drawn to other women—whether it’s old friends, affairs, or even escorts—you need to take a step back and ask yourself:  What am I actually searching for?   Because this isn’t just about having a high sex drive. If it were, your wife’s availability would be enough. But it’s not. Here are my thoughts: 1. Your Sex Drive Isn’t Just Physical—It’s Emotional You might think your desire for more sex is just biological, but if that were the case, the fact that your wife is “willing” would be enough. Instead, you’re drawn to something else—something beyond just physical intimacy. What you’re really craving is a feeling: ✔️ Freedom ✔️ Excitement ✔️ Passion ✔️ The thrill of being wanted Sex isn’t just an act for you—it’s an emotional experience. And when it’s missing that intensity, you start looking elsewhere. That’s why sex with an escort, a new partner, or even just the idea of someone different feels so compelling. It’s not just sex—it’s how it makes you feel. 2. You Quit Drugs—But You Didn’t Heal the Root Cause You mentioned that once you got sober, your sex drive skyrocketed. That’s a huge clue. Because often, when we let go of one coping mechanism, we replace it with another. If drugs were your escape before, sex might have taken its place. The restless energy, the need for release, the search for something to take the edge off—that’s all still there, just in a different form.   This isn’t about sex—it’s about what you were trying to numb or escape from in the first place. Until you address that, you’ll keep searching for the next high, the next thrill, the next way to fill the gap. 3. Your Wife Feels the Difference—And It’s Pushing Her Away Your wife is “willing” but not really into it. That’s a big deal. Because a woman can have sex with you regularly and still feel emotionally disconnected.  Here’s what might be happening: She senses that you’re chasing something, not truly present with her. She feels like sex is more about you needing an outlet than about the two of you connecting. She doesn’t feel deeply desired—she feels like a means to an end. That’s not exactly a turn-on. Women don’t just want to be available for sex—they want to feel like the sex means something. They want to feel chosen, not just convenient. 4. Why Sex With Other Women Feels So Different You might wonder why sex with an escort or someone outside your marriage feels so much more exciting, intense, or fulfilling. It’s not because they’re inherently better in bed—it’s because of the dynamic.   ✔️ With an escort, you feel in control. There’s no pressure, no judgment—just pure desire. ✔️ With an old friend or someone new, there’s mystery, excitement, and emotional freedom. ✔️ With your wife, there’s history, responsibility, and vulnerability. It’s easier to feel uninhibited with someone who doesn’t see your everyday struggles, who isn’t part of your real life. That’s why it feels different. But that difference isn’t about the other women—it’s about how you feel in those situations. So What Now? How Do You Fix This? If you want to stop feeling restless, if you want real satisfaction instead of just chasing the next hit of excitement, here’s where to start:   1. Get Honest About What You’re Really Looking For This isn’t just about sex—it’s about what sex represents to you. Is it escape? Power? Validation? What emotional need are you trying