Hi Mary,
Thanks for taking the time to read my email. Before my ex and I became exclusive (but after we had sex), she slept with her ex-boyfriend—the same one she spent months venting to me about for his cheating and abuse. I felt blindsided when I found out, and it made me question everything. Should I have ended things right then? I struggled with trust from that moment on and never fully recovered.
I truly believed she was my soulmate, but our relationship was filled with constant fighting, accusations, and her calling me misogynistic anytime I disagreed with her. She was extremely sensitive about being a single mom, and I did my best to be understanding. And at 24, what should I know about dating a woman with kids? I was unprepared for what that dynamic would be like.
Lastly, how do I tell the difference between a toxic woman and one who is simply “testing” my masculinity? I think I stayed longer than I should have because I couldn’t tell which it was. Also, being in a long-distance relationship felt like it kept me out of my masculine frame since I wasn’t getting my needs met. Was this relationship doomed from the start? Would love to hear your thoughts.
I appreciate your work!
LoveLorn
Dear Lovelorn,
I get it—you cared about her deeply. Maybe you even saw her as your soulmate. But if every conversation turns into a therapy session where you’re absorbing her emotional baggage, especially about her ex, you’re not in a relationship. You’re in an emotional black hole.
Let’s break it down.
1. The Ex-Factor: When the Past is the Third Person in Your Relationship
If a woman is still deeply tangled in the drama of an old relationship, she’s not available—not emotionally, not mentally, and definitely not romantically.
Sure, venting about an ex once in a while is normal. But when it’s constant? When every conversation circles back to what he did, how he hurt her, why men suck? That’s not bonding—that’s trauma dumping.
You deserve a partner who’s focused on building something new with you, not one who’s dragging you into their unresolved baggage. If her past is always present, your future with her is going nowhere.
1. The Ex-Factor: When the Past is the Third Person in Your Relationship
If a woman is still deeply tangled in the drama of an old relationship, she’s not available—not emotionally, not mentally, and definitely not romantically.
Sure, venting about an ex once in a while is normal. But when it’s constant? When every conversation circles back to what he did, how he hurt her, why men suck? That’s not bonding—that’s trauma dumping.
You deserve a partner who’s focused on building something new with you, not one who’s dragging you into their unresolved baggage. If her past is always present, your future with her is going nowhere.
2. The Relationship Rollercoaster: When Every Conversation Feels Like a Battle
A relationship should be a safe space—not a constant stress test of your masculinity.
🚩 If you can’t speak your mind without being accused of “toxic masculinity”…
🚩 If every innocent comment turns into a debate over feminism and gender roles…
🚩 If you feel like you have to tiptoe around her emotions just to keep the peace…
Then you’re not in a relationship—you’re in a battlefield. I don’t care how stunning she is, how passionate the sex is, or how much history you share. If you feel drained every time you’re with her, that’s your gut telling you something: this is not love, this is emotional exhaustion.
3. The Power of Walking Away: When Enough is Enough
Here’s a skill that will change your life: knowing when to leave. Strong men don’t stay in relationships that destroy their peace. They recognize when something isn’t working and walk away with their self-respect intact.
Ask yourself:
✔️ Do I feel like my best self around her?
✔️ Does she add to my life or just bring drama?
✔️ Do I feel loved and appreciated—or just tolerated?
If you’re always questioning your worth, always second-guessing yourself, that’s not love—that’s emotional manipulation. Healthy relationships make you feel stronger, not weaker.
4. The Dating-A-Single-Mom Question: Is It the Kids or the Drama?
Dating a woman with kids? Not a dealbreaker. Dating a woman whose life is a nonstop soap opera? Big problem.
Some single moms are incredible partners. They’re mature, they’ve been through things, they know how to love deeply and wisely. But if her life is a mess of baby-daddy drama, emotional instability, and constant tests of your patience—then don’t blame the kids. Blame the dynamic.
If the relationship is nothing but chaos, the problem isn’t that she’s a mom—it’s that she’s not in a place to be a healthy partner. And that’s not your responsibility to fix.
Final Thought: Choose Peace Over Drama
A great relationship doesn’t drain you—it fuels you. It makes you feel wanted, valued, and at ease. If you’re constantly on edge, exhausted, or feeling like you’re being tested—you’re in the wrong relationship.
You don’t need to be someone’s therapist. You don’t need to prove your worth. You need to be with someone who is emotionally available, mature, and actually ready to meet you where you are.
So, ask yourself: Are you her partner, or just her emotional safety net?
If it’s the latter, it’s time to walk. Your peace of mind will thank you.
Mary
